Sunday, March 29, 2009

An Ode to Erin

note: Please excuse the blurriness of some of the photos. It's hard to take good pics of a toddler on the move!

I love Erin, and she can be so much fun (as well as completely frustrating, but right now I'm focusing on the good stuff!)

Inspired by the day at the Children's museum, I bought some foam stickers and markers to have coloring time with Erin. She enjoys it so much.

She is such a little personality now. I love watching her emerge into the person she's going to be. I think I have finally accepted that she's a little girl now and not a baby. Is it normal to be sad when your baby grows up? I've tried to be excited about this next stage in her life instead of missing "baby Erin," and I think it's going well. Having a new baby helps of

She's becoming so opinionated, and while sometimes it's quite aggrivating, most of the time I just enjoy seeing more of her personality.

For instance: she loves doing everything herself. Especially loves eating a whole apple. She doesn't like it as much if I cut it up first (which is my preferred way of eating it), especially not if it's a granny smith. Which is why we ended up with small bits of apple on our floor today.
Quite often I find myself laughing as she does something new or gets excited about something I would consider mundane. I'm so lucky to have her, and I thank the Lord for her every day.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Don't worry!

Recently there was concern expressed about the fact that Cora has come up so often lately, and whether or not I am suffering from depression. Along with a plea for you not to worry about me, I'd like to say a couple of things.

A) I am not ever going to be "over it." In coversations with my grandmothers, both of whom lost a child, I have learned that fact. I have also learned through personal experience it's possible to come to peace the fact that she's gone. I KNOW I'll get her back. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss her every day.

B) Start worrying when I don't talk about Cora. Talking about her is cathartic for me. It reminds me that she is real and she is part of my life. I no longer cry every day, but I DO talk about her. She's as real to me as both Erin and Patrick are.

C) Having a new baby around reminds me of what I missed out on. It's not as hard this time around as it was with Erin, but I am reminded that I didn't get to nurse her, or see her eyes, or watch her smile or hear her coo. And I'm dealing with that.

So I think I'm doing well. I'm getting out of bed every day (completely exhausted at times, but I DO get out of bed) and most days I get a shower. Most days I get out of the apartment and go somewhere, even if it's only down to the mailbox. I am enjoying my children, and laughing and rejoicing in them. So please don't worry about me.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Snow update, and one on Patrick too

So, this is our porch as of 5pm, compared to 10am in the last post.
And we had a checkup for Patrick today. Dr. McKitterick just wanted to check his growth and see how he is looking, to make sure we didn't want any more blood tests.

He weighs 10lbs even, and is nearly 23 inches long. That 2lbs6oz weight gain, and 2.5inches in length in a month. She said to him "Wow, how did you do that little boy?" lol

So he looks great. The jaundice isn't completely gone, but it has receded a lot. Enough that she was confident that we didn't need another blood test. YAY! She said the average length for jaundice to clear is 4-6 weeks, so we're completely within the timing for that.

I love hearing that my babies are doing well!

You've GOT to be kidding me!

This is what I woke up to this morning.
edited to add: the weather service has given us a blizzard warning. This is an honest-to-goodness blizzard, with little visibility. You can't even see as far now (at 1:30pm) as you could in that picture this morning.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

One Month

Patrick is one month old today. I almost want to cry when I think about that. He's a month old already!

Grandma Linda sent us the outfit Matt's one month pictures were taken in, so I thought I'd catch a few shots.

Kim got this one the day before yesterday. Too cute!!

And just for comparison, here's a pic of Matt

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Musings on Cora..and penguins

I have been thinking about Cora a lot the last few days. It's probably because while we were at the zoo, one of the families that we sort of "grouped" with had a daughter named Cora. This girl was maybe 6.

The first time her mother called her name it surprised me. After a couple times, though, I felt the overwhelming urge to tell this woman to shut up. I didn't. What I DID do, though, it tell Matt and Kim that we needed to get away from that family, whether it was speeding up/skipping an exibit or waiting for them to go ahead. I was trying really hard not to let myself wonder what that woman did to be able to keep her Cora. I was trying really hard not to let myself think about NOT getting to yell at a little redheaded girl to stay close, and to wait for us to get to the gorillas too.

I contented myself with snidely thinking "Yeah, well, my Cora would have been cuter." She would have been too, because Erin was cuter.

So the last few days I've been thinking about all the things the Spirit has whispered to me over the last almost-3 years, about me, about Cora and about my relationship to her. I was in the shower this morning, thinking about that fateful morning, when she didn't move in the shower and I collapsed into tears, knowing but not allowing myself to believe it. I was near tears again, when a conversation I had with Adrienne popped into my head. We had this conversation shortly after Erin was born...maybe around the time Marcus was born.

She asked me "But, if Cora had stayed, do you think you'd have Erin?"
And I said "Maybe not now, but I think I would have gotten her eventually." And like lightning it hit me: I may not have Cora now, but I'll get her eventually.

So Adrienne is officially one of my Penguins. She has been for a long time, but she only recently got the name.

The name comes from the Pregnancy Loss support forum I'm on. I was having a private message conversation with one of the girls on there, and she mentioned that someone she recently talked to about the forum thought it was a ridiculous idea. She said that the person thought that a bunch of women who had all been through miscarriage trying to support each other would be like a bunch of blind people trying to lead each other to water.

There are many problems with that metaphor. First off, is the idea that grief is always so all-encompassing that you can't break out of it long enough to say something nice to someone else. Second, that someone who HASN'T been through the experience would have any idea where the "water" is. And lastly, the idea that you ever completely get over your grief. The idea that there is "water" to go to. It gets better, but it never goes away, and it leaves you forever changed. You will never be "all better" because you will always have a hole in your heart where a child is supposed to be.

So in thinking about what we actually are, we Angel Mommies who post on the forum, or leave comments on one-another's blogs, an image came to my mind. It was a scene from "March of the Penguins." It was during the middle of the Antarctic winter, and the penguins were huddled together against the wind and bitter cold. The most amazing part, is that they take turns sheltering each other from the wind. Eventually, the penguins on the outside of the huddle move to the middle, and the ones from the middle move out to shelter those who are the coldest.

So, I'd like to thank all my penguins. I know so many wonderful women, who are standing in the same winter, against the same bitter wind as me. They shelter me when I am coldest, and allow me the honor of sheltering them when they need it.


Monday, March 23, 2009

The children's museum...and poop!

So, when Kim was getting ready to come out here, she said that she wanted to take Erin to a children's museum and story time at a library. Sounded like fun to me! So we went to the Children's Museum of Denver this morning. We actually had a lot of fun even though it was VERY crowded.

They had a special area for kids from ages newborn-4 years. Erin really enjoyed it. She didn't want to leave it, actually, but we found out that they had a storytime there at the museum, so I thought it would be good to kill both Kim's birds with one stone.Erin liked storytime, but she was more excited that they got to do art afterward. The theme was "under the sea" and we heard The Rainbow Fish and The Pout Pout Fish. I really would like to buy both of them. Afterwards, the kids all got to draw an "under the sea scape." I think Kim had as much fun as Erin did!
When we got home it was time for Erin's nap, so I changed her diaper and put her to bed without her pants (as I've done many times before because it can get hot in her room). Well, about an hour later she started crying. When I opened the door to check on her, I discovered she had pulled her diaper off and there was poop all over the floor.

I had a feeling I should put her pants back on before I put her to bed.

And when Adrienne posted about Marcus doing this, I was so proud that Erin hadn't ever done anything like that.

Karma maybe?

So thanks to Kim for giving Erin a bath while I cleaned up everything else.

edited to add: I'm seriously considering starting to potty train Erin...only I have no idea how to tell if she's ready and no idea how to start the process. So anyone have any tips?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Downtown, zoo, cake

So, Matt's sister Kim came into town for her Spring Break on Wednesday. It's been fun to have her here. On Friday, we took the train downtown.

Erin loves to push the stroller herself

After lunch we went to a bookstore called the Tattered Cover and Erin loved this Babar

She wore herself out and passed out on the train home

Kim got this shot, and I just loved

Then Saturday morning we went to the zoo. I was really excited to go.

Erin on Kim's shoulders, looking at the lions
Erin pointing out the zebras (she said "bebwa?")

Kim keeping Erin entertained while we stopped so I could feed Patrick.

Erin and the giraffes. There was a new baby!

Me and the double stroller. I would have worn Patrick in the wrap, but we needed the "cargo space" of the stroller. I was amazed at just how many double strollers there were at the zoo!
There were peacocks everywhere, and this one was stealing bits of people's lunches

I found this sign particularly funny. Glad he was asleep.

Erin really liked the elephants.

but she LOVED the bears

I thought this little guy was so adorable

This jaguar was beautiful, but definitely not happy about something.

And I love oragutans. The ones at the San Diego zoo in 2005 had carboard boxes they used as hats/shades. This one wrapped himself up in a blanket to take a nap.

This female gorilla came over when she saw all the little kids gathered in the corner. Erin really enjoyed having an animal so close. I think the gorilla liked interacting with all the babies too. She must have been baby hungry.

I bought myself this stuffy. It was a promotion "in honor" of the baby giraffe that had been recently born. Isn't it cute???

After the zoo we went to Dave and Danica's for barbeque and cake. Matt got the cake at Dairy Queen. When they asked if he wanted something written on it, he said that he wanted them to write "love" in huge letters across the entire cake. He was disappointed by what he got. I thought it was cute anyway.

This picture isn't so cute though. But I need proof of blowing out the candles, right? In dad's words, we need "documentation."

Erin loved licking off the candles. She kept sticking them back into the cake to get more stuff on them. lol

Oh and on a completely random note, in the pics in my last post, Erin wasn't sleeping. She had thrown herself on the ground having a fit.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

St. Patrick's Day

So, yesterday we went over to our friends' house for dinner. I took Irish stew and soda bread. I'm actually really glad we did, because Danica wasn't feeling very good (she's recently pregnant), and hadn't eaten anything all day. But she said the stew looked really good and ate a whole bowl. YAY!

So then we just hung out for a while. These pictures of Erin define my entire day yesterday.

And this is the first picture we have of Matt holding Patrick (he's held him quite a bit before, I just haven't take a picture. BAD me!). But Patrick is a apparently a Mama's boy (or at least he knows that Daddy isn't where the food is!)

And Patrick post-dinner. I wanted to get a good shot of his bib. This is the best I could do. lol He was practicing his jig.