The last little while I've been an avid reader of a blog written by a woman who lost a daughter shortly after birth due to birth defects. While some might think that, for me, this would be "dwelling" on my own loss, I find her words very uplifting. She is avidly Christian, and even though we are not of the same church, I feel that we are of the same Faith.
Her latest blog entry tells a story of one of her older daughters telling her it was too bad she didn't have a camera, because she just made a pretty picture in a moment with the youngest daughter. She told the older daughter that she would just have to blink and hold the picture in her mind.
I love that idea, and it got me thinking of all the wonderful little mental pictures I have. As I was reading this, Erin scooted up to me from her pile of toys, wanting to be up in my lap. And then she just laid there with her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder. It was such a great moment. She doesn't do that often anymore, and I know it's just going to become more and more rare. It got me thinking of all the small moments that I have missed out on because I have been so consumed with how horribly sick I feel. I admit, I've been selfish, and I've been pushing Erin away, and she really doesn't deserve it.
Childhood is full of small moments, and I want Erin to think back on the small moments in her life and know just how much I love her, and how much I deeply enjoy her. Right now she's pushing her walker around the room, and she'll pause just to look up at me and grin. I hope she never has a question in her mind how much her mother loves her.
So, I guess, I'm going to do my best to provide those small moments, no matter how I feel.
So, I've been craving chicken enchiladas for the past few days, and finally broke down and made some. I really like them, but I was a bit worried about how Erin would react. I shouldn't have been.
She ate TWO WHOLE enchiladas! Well, minus the two bites you can see still on her tray. She's been a piglet today. Maybe a growth spurt is coming on?
Anyway, here's the recipe if you're interested: 1 can chicken breast meat sour cream grated cheddar cheese sliced olives tortillas enchilada sauce
Mix the chicken with enough sour cream to make it the consistency you like. Add cheddar cheese and sliced olives to the amount you want. Spread the bottom of a 13x9 inch baking pan with a thin layer of enchilada sauce. Spread a thin layer of enchilada sauce on a tortilla. Put some filling on one end of tortilla (sauce side) and roll. Place in pan. Repeat until you run out of room or filling (about 10 enchiladas). Spread the remaining sauce on top of enchiladas. Cover with aluminum foil and bake at 350* for 20 minutes. Remove aluminum foil, top with more grated cheese, and place back in the oven until cheese is melted.
(if you don't like sour cream, you can use cream of chicken soup)
So, at Erin's 1 year checkup on June 9th, they gave me an order to take to the hospital lab to check for blood lead levels and cdc (not sure what the cdc is). Anyway, I haven't gotten around to it, but my friend Aubrey was taking her little Myla in today for the same thing, so I went with her.
I knew it was a blood test, but for some reason I didn't realize that it would be a real blood draw, from a vein in her arm. >_<
Unfortunately my poor little girl has my veins, so they couldn't get it on the first try. She was screaming so hard, and I just had to hold her still. She looked at me like I was betraying her...it was so hard. I know it was a good thing to do, I mean, I really do want to know if she's getting exposed to lead. But I wish it could have been easier on her!
She got free ice cream from the hospital cafeteria after, and that made it better. She doesn't remember it. But I sure do.
We have a HEARTBEAT! Yay!! I always get kind of nervous just before ultrasounds (I blame that on the fact that I once had a very bad one), especially since I'm obviously not feeling movement yet, and therefore have nothing to reassure me.
So, here is Reeses
I was measuring 7 weeks and 5 days (instead of the 8 weeks and 1 day I thought I was) so my due date was moved from February 27th to March 2nd. I really hope Reeses listens to me and is born in February. We don't have any birthdays on either side in February!
I was eating ice cream, and so, of course, she comes over and wants to share (she is my child after all!). So before I gave her a bite, I'd ask her to say please. I just started this consistently this week. I give her a bite if she says anything really, just so she gets the hang of saying something.
So I'd say "say please" and she'd mumble something. It's cute.
Anyway, I had ONE last bite, and I said to her "say please," and she smiled big at me and then said "glee?"
There's a little water park thing at Porter Park here in town, and my friend Aubrey and I have been having Wednesday lunchtime playdates there. The babies LOVE it. Erin gets so excited when we walk up that I have a hard time keeping her sitting and eating lunch.
Matt came with us today. Even though he didn't get wet, he did take some pictures!
Earlier today I was playing with Erin and she let go of me and was standing (she's done this more and more the past few days) and then she TOOK A STEP!
I was so excited! Matt was there, even though he didn't see it. Well, she's done it several more times today. Matt even got her to take 7. I'm so impressed by my baby girl! She hasn't even tried to take ONE step on her own before today and now she's doing 7!
I'm so glad that she did it while Matt was still here, so he could see it.
I babysat my friend Aubrey's baby Myla today while Aubrey was in class. Myla is 25 days younger than Erin. They always have a blast together, but two babies means twice the trouble! They had a blast though.
Erin poking Myla
Myla just hanging out (she was leaning against my leg)
The best pic I could get of Erin's teeth
Erin mimicking me when I was "growling" (she was playing with a lion)
She has started "putting" things on her walker and walking around with them
I love this pic, no clue why
I fed the fish, which made them realize they were there
The worst part of early pregnancy is I have no concrete proof all this nausea and fatigue and throwing up are really anything more than a superflu. Especially before the first ultrasound. After an ultrasound there's a picture that I can look at to remind myself there really is a baby in there and that's worth losing my lunch for. Right now...I'm just sick. And on top of it, I have Erin, so I CAN'T just lay on the couch and be miserable. I HAVE to get up and feed her and play with her and change her dirty diapers (GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG).
I've lost 2 lbs already. Not from throwing up really (I only started yesterday after all), but just from every possible meal sounding horrid.
I'm completely terrified of Matt leaving for his internship again. I will be completely *alone* for at least 6 weeks. And this time I'm puking. The hard part for me is, I WANT to be able to do the normal wife/mother/homemaker things. I NEED to be able to take care of myself and my child, so it's so hard for me to ask for help from anyone outside my small family. Asking Matt to do something isn't nearly as....awkward...as asking my neighbor. Admitting that I'm not up to the task of my responsibility.
It's silly, I know, but I really like being able to be independent and do things for myself. I have a feeling that I'll get to the point where circumstances just won't let me.
This is so unfair for Erin. She needs at least one parent who can pay attention to her, and with Matt leaving in not quite two weeks for another state, that has to be me. And I hate feeling like I just can't do it.
So, I bought a baby gate today. I have been using Erin's stroller, folded up and on it's side, as a barrier in the hallway. It's been pretty effective up until the past couple of days. Erin has figured out that she can either push it over, or push the end enough to create a big enough gap between it and the wall to get through, and escapes down the hallway. I went to the bathroom today and she was upset that I had left without her I guess. Well, I hear her screaming/crying in frustration, so I opened the door enough to look out. Well, she had wedged herself through a too-small space between the stroller and the wall, and was stuck halfway through. After enough wiggling, of course, she got through and joined me in the bathroom. *sigh* So I decided we needed to have a baby gate.
I thought she'd be angry, but I put it further down the hallway (all the way to the end before it turns) so that she could have a little more space to play in. She has been ramming her walker into it and laughing and giggling. It's really cute. Now, if only I could get one for the kitchen. Unfortunately, they don't make cheap ones that will go further than 60 inches, and the kitchen archway is 63." The cheapest I could find was $56, with most of them being $70 or higher. I don't know if I want to buy one when I'm not sure I'll need one that big in the apt we're going to be moving into (somewhere) 6 months from now. I guess I'll have to talk to Matt about it.
So, unfortunately, pretty much all of our plans for Independence Day got canceled. Not only that but we didn't buy any of our own fireworks because a) we could light them in the bank parking lot, but Erin goes to bed before it gets dark and I wouldn't want to leave her up in our apartment sleeping while we were downstairs, AND I wouldn't want to wake her up just to put her down again AFTER fireworks, and b) we thought that since we live on main st. on the second floor we'd have a great view of the city fireworks. But the city set them off from a weird place and the tall building on the corner across the street blocked nearly all of them. ARGH!!!
So, we spent 20 mins at the parade at that was about it. Happy 4th of July.
Grinning at the horses: Pointing at the horses: The horses: And really not wanting to be held anymore. I was a little toasted so we left right after this:
Imagine our shock, when I tested, and there was another line. I knew it was a possibility, and with the way I was feeling, maybe even a probability. But I still thought I was hallucinating the second line. So I tested a few more times just to be sure.
Sure enough, I'm due Feb. 27th, 2009 (until an ultrasound says otherwise, anyway). Baby Reeses is on his way!