Monday, April 6, 2009

Faith begotten of trials

Was it just me, or was the theme of enduring faithfully through your trials, and having your faith strengthened by your trials in just about every talk this conference? I was touched over and over again. It made me reflect on my own faith and my own trials, and how losing Cora made my faith stronger than ever even though it felt so frail at the time.

I have to admit, when we were first told that she was gone, and shortly after her birth, I was very angry. I had a very hard time reconciling my image of a loving, just God with the experience. If He loved me, why did He take my baby from me? If He was perfectly just, then why was my baby taken from me, when other parents who didn't want or love their children, and didn't treat them right, get to keep theirs? Where was the justice in that?

And I told Him that. I got very angry with Him and said a lot of very angry prayers.

But over time, with a lot of whisperings of the spirit and priesthood blessings, I came to realize that just because I was a good church-going, temple worthy woman didn't mean that I would be exempt from trials. Just because I did my best to do everything the Lord has commanded, doesn't mean that I don't live in a fallen, unfair world.

Last September my wonderful bishop took me aside and asked how I was doing on a grief standpoint. He said that he could tell that I wasn't where I could be, and during our discussion I realized that part of me lacked a little faith in the fact that I would actually get my sweet baby back. Part of me believed that the pain I felt couldn't be healed by any power. So I embarked on a study to gain that faith. I said, like the father in the New Testament "help thou mine unbelief."

Honestly, I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know, except to realize that I already knew it. I am so grateful for a Savior who has taken me in His arms and carried me over the last 3 years as I have slowly but surely learned to stand on my own again. I'm so grateful for His strength, because without it I would not have been able to withstand the trials I have had.


paxcan said...

Our trials can make us stronger. It's all up to us in the end, what we want our attitude to be in these trials. I try to ask, " What am I supposed to learn from this trial?" Losing a child, whether it be to death, mental illness or other disability,or ? is one of our hardest trials. Just keep taking each step and know that it will all work out in the end for our best.You're doing GREAT!

HRHSpence said...

It feels to me like you are coming to terms with your loss and accepting what has happened. We, too, look forward to meeting Cora again . . . and Bethany, and Lynn.