Monday, February 2, 2009

Maybe it's the hormones...

I recently found a list of blogs of LDS "mothers of angels." Many of these women had stillborn babies. Many lost them shortly after birth or at a young age. I find myself dwelling on these blogs, reading these stories, and crying for my Cora. Why you ask? I'm sure Matt would be upset at me for upsetting myself like this. But I find myself needing too.

I read one blog today, and it was such a beautiful entry of how the Lord has helped her through the year since the unexpected death of her son, and just cried and cried. And I asked myself "why are you doing this?

Why do you need to cry right now?

What good is it doing you?"

I don't know the answer at the moment. Maybe I need to remind myself that I still love her as much as I did then, even though nearly three years had faded the memory of her. To remind myself that she was real and not just a good dream gone very bad. To remember that the Lord knows who I am, and remember how He helped me when the grief was still so fresh.

I'm also sort of a afraid that when I bring Patrick home, I'll go through all the grief again like I did when I brought Erin home. With Erin, it was the realization of everything I had missed out on. I didn't know what it was like to be a mother when I lost Cora. My life went from me & Matt & Matt. But when Erin arrived, she showed me exactly everything I missed out on with Cora, and I grieved deeply. I wanted nothing more to just be overjoyed that Erin was here, and I was, but looking at her also hurt so deeply. I'm sort of afraid that will happen again. So maybe I'm just trying to get it "out of my system" so I can just be the deliriously happy new mom I should be.

And maybe it's just the hormones.


jenny said...

Undoubtedly, hormones have a part in this. However, even just as Matt's sister, I worried about Emma before she was born. When I held her in my arms in the hospital, I wondered why I got to have her and your first isn't with you. I felt guilty. For some reason, I don't worry about Patrick. I "know" that everything will be ok for you guys. He'll be healthy just like Erin was and yes, you may have some of the same feelings with him as you did with Erin, but at least you'll have him. We love you and everything will be ok. :)

The Perry Family said...

I do the same thing. Even though you barely know someone when you find out they have experienced what we have you automatically feel connected. Like you know a secret. Because noboday else "really" knows but those who have experienced it. I cry too, but really I find it makes me feel better to get in a good cry.
I am only starting the worrying about my next little one. All we can do is trust in the Lord. He has a plan for each of us.
Take care.

Young Family said...

I dwell on these blogs too. I just found your blog through Cmi Perry's. I hope you dont mind me reading.

Jessica Young (Scott's mommy)