I recently found a list of blogs of LDS "mothers of angels." Many of these women had stillborn babies. Many lost them shortly after birth or at a young age. I find myself dwelling on these blogs, reading these stories, and crying for my Cora. Why you ask? I'm sure Matt would be upset at me for upsetting myself like this. But I find myself needing too.
I read one blog today, and it was such a beautiful entry of how the Lord has helped her through the year since the unexpected death of her son, and just cried and cried. And I asked myself "why are you doing this?
Why do you need to cry right now?
What good is it doing you?"
I don't know the answer at the moment. Maybe I need to remind myself that I still love her as much as I did then, even though nearly three years had faded the memory of her. To remind myself that she was real and not just a good dream gone very bad. To remember that the Lord knows who I am, and remember how He helped me when the grief was still so fresh.
I'm also sort of a afraid that when I bring Patrick home, I'll go through all the grief again like I did when I brought Erin home. With Erin, it was the realization of everything I had missed out on. I didn't know what it was like to be a mother when I lost Cora. My life went from me & Matt to...me & Matt. But when Erin arrived, she showed me exactly everything I missed out on with Cora, and I grieved deeply. I wanted nothing more to just be overjoyed that Erin was here, and I was, but looking at her also hurt so deeply. I'm sort of afraid that will happen again. So maybe I'm just trying to get it "out of my system" so I can just be the deliriously happy new mom I should be.
And maybe it's just the hormones.