random pictures

Erin reminding us all that we have a babyI laid him in the sun because he's looking a little jaundiced. Erin decided she had to join him.
She was kissing him, he was yawning.
Matt says his paci makes him look like a plecostomus.
I fed him, he fell asleep. I put him in his bouncer and he started screaming. So I picked him up and he snuggled on me and went back to sleep. I guess he just needed to be held.

She's so big.

I realized today as I was giving Erin a bath, that she has suddenly "grown up." She's gotten so big and I didn't realize it until I a direct comparison of how little she used to be (well, she used to be smaller actually). It's most obvious, I think, when I compare the sizes of their diapers.


When did my baby girl grow up?

Erin meets Patrick

So, it turns out that I could have posted these yesterday, as I actually did have the camera with me after Matt and Erin left the hospital.

After spending all day away from us, Erin spent her first night away from us, and she was very glad to see me when Matt brought her in. She spent half an hour just sitting in my lap, being with Mommy, before she even noticed that Patrick was there at all.

But she loves babies, so she was kind of excited once she noticed (she's doing a lot better today now that I'm home and we've had a mostly normal morning).

Introducing Patrick Reese

Patrick Reese Cannady arrived on February 25th at 11:06 pm. He weighs 7lbs 10.8oz and is 20.5 inches long.

It was a long (13 hour) labor. I'm exhausted, but thought I'd post pics.

Guess who is having a baby tomorrow...

ME!!! Yep!

I went to the doctor this morning, and my blood pressure is a little higher...again. And I had a headache. While we both think it's stress related rather than pre-eclampsia or something...it's a bit concerning.

And I had a bit of meltdown when talking about my anxiety and the nightmares.

So we both decided that it would be best both emotionally and physically for me, if Patrick were just born already. So I am going into the hospital tomorrow morning between 8 and 8:30 to get things started. Good news is I'm already 2cm dilated, so it should be easier on my body than with Erin.

And...a couple pictures, since I haven't posted any in a while.

My 39 week belly (my last one!)

And some of Erin

Words Erin has learned because of Madagascar

So, as I've posted before, Erin's favorite movie is Madagascar (she loves Madagascar 2 as well, I think to her they're the same thing).

Anyway here are some things she's started saying because of this movies

Gagar (her word for Madagascar. She'll walk up to me, point to the dvds and ask "Gagar?")
moomie (movie)
Lai-uh (lion)
hibbo (hippo)
Meh-muh (Melman, the giraffe. She can't say giraffe yet)
boe (boat without the t on the end)
phire (it's fire, but she can't say the f quite right, but it's not really a p either)
pehwin (penguin)


From Madagascar 2:

Lakay (Alakay is Alex's African name)
"here kitty kitty" (it's a line from the movie that she repeats!)
Momo (the male hippo, MotoMoto)

She also likes pointing out the water and trees and moon, but she knew those words before. We're having so much fun with new words!

I dreamed last night....

...that Patrick was stillborn too. The dream was probably just resurfacing memories of Cora's labor and delivery, but in the dream it was Patrick. I woke up with "Oh God, please, not again!" on my lips.

I woke up to Erin crying, and an excruciating headache. I went ahead and just brought Erin to bed with me. I needed my reminder that babies are born healthy, and that they come home with you.

So I'm skipping church, because my head still just HURTS and I feel really sick to my stomach, and I don't think I can handle Erin in sacrament meeting by myself right now.

Matt's plane comes in at 2pm. I would love to go into labor after that.

Planning birthday parties...

Someone recently asked me if I had any plans for Erin's second birthday. It took me aback because, honestly...I haven't thought about it. Honestly, I've been thinking more about what I'm going to do for Cora's birthday, because I can't go to Jenny Lake.

But I found the perfect thing.

I'm going to do a butterfly release. I wanted to do one for my wedding but couldn't because it was too expensive. And I'm probably going to have to save up for it for Cora's birthday, but I have a bit of time (and I have to talk to Matt about it). I just want to do something special. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to figure anything out, and it really bothered me. I mean, Erin and Patrick will get cake and presents and a party...the least I can do is something small for Cora.

Anyway, I just had to share!

Mommy's little mommy

So, I finally got a baby bouncer and put it together. Erin loves it. In an effort to keep her from trying to sit in it herself, I keep telling her it's just for babies. So she put her baby in it.


And a little video. Every time we see a mirror I ask her "Is that you?" So now she points to her reflection in mirror and says "It's a you!"


And I have to admit, I'm really making an effort to enjoy my one-on-one time with Erin. I realized last week that I don't know how Patrick's arrival will affect that. When Erin wakes up in the morning, she comes into my room. She usually brings me all her teddy bears, and then climbs up into bed with me, and we cuddle for a while (as long as she will let me). I really love this. Hopefully we'll still be able to after Patrick gets here.

Is there any such thing as the Tuesday Fairy?

Oh man, it's been a morning.

First off, I was woken up by a little boy trying to stick his foot through the side of my belly. I've never been so happy to have my skin hurt so bad! I'm not saying I'll be completely calm until he's born, but...I feel like I've crossed the threshold, so to speak.

Anyway, I scheduled a doctor's appointment this morning on purpose. I knew I would need it. So I go to drop Erin off at my friend Danica's house (she watched Erin the last two, and we talked about today last week), and Danica isn't there. *sigh* I had a "feeling" yesterday that I should call her to touch base, and remind her about it, but I didn't. Note to self: Do NOT ignore the little voice!!

So, since I had no toys or anything for Erin, I stopped by a Walgreens on the way to the doctor's office and got her a box of 8 jumbo crayons and a Madagascar 2 coloring book. And a bag of goldfish crackers.

So we get to the office, and there's someone else having an NST already, so they hook me up to the portable one, which required me to lay on an exam table. Those things are SO uncomfortable! Erin had a total meltdown, too, so she was up on the table with me. There was hardly any room, and I finally got her into a fairly secure position where she was calm.

So then Patrick refused to cooperate with the stupid machine. He was either not moving, or when he DID move, it lost his heartbeat! I was on the thing for nearly an hour. My back hurt so bad by the time we sort of gave up.

But the good part of the morning was that they gave me new ultrasound pictures!

His face straight on

and his profile

38 weeks and the attack of the Monday Fairy

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. For those who don't know/remember, this is a big day in pregnancy for me. It was the last gestational day that Cora was alive, and therefore the day that we induced with Erin. But, as per my desire to go into labor on my own this time....I'm still pregnant. I have to admit my morning was hard. My dad tells me "not to dwell" on it, but that isn't all that easily done. I found myself thinking a lot about those 38 weeks I had with Cora, and how grateful I am for them. I am so amazingly grateful to not just believe that I will get her back, but to know with every fiber of my soul that one day my family will be whole and that she will be reunited with us.

So right now, I'm as pregnant as I have ever been. I can't help but feel afraid for tonight and tomorrow morning. I went to sleep with my baby alive and kicking. I woke up with her gone. I know that this is a different pregnancy and that I'm not guaranteed the same outcome, but I'm still freaked out. So...prayers for my sanity would be appreciated. And prayers that if Patrick isn't born tonight, he WON'T come until next Monday. (Danica, my friend who is taking Erin for me, will be out of town from Wed.-Sun. for her sister's wedding, and Matt will be out of town from Fri.-Sun. for his grandfather's funeral.)

Okay, so here's a couple pictures:

Me

The reason I shouldn't let Erin watch Madagascar while she's supposed to be eating breakfast. If you can't tell, she's just holding the spoon above her bowl. She so enthralled in the movie she's not eating. lol.


And on to the attack of the Monday Fairy...

I went out to do some shopping today, buying last minute needed things for baby and some stuff for Erin and a couple things for me...but decided to stop at Taco Bell for lunch first. I ordered a #9 combo (crunchwrap supreme), chicken and no lettuce on the cruncy taco (since Erin will just make a mess). She asked me, "both supreme?" I said "Yes," a little confused. I didn't know that they made crunchy tacos in supreme, but didn't think much of it. So she gives me my cup and my food comes up and it's 2 gorditas. What?

She had programmed in #6 instead of #9 (now doesn't this sound like something I would do??) So we got it all cleared up, and she had to refund me $2.30, but I had my food, and all was good. I had my tray with my crunchwrap, Erin's taco, and my drink, and I was holding Erin's hand as we found a seat. I found a good place, and set my tray down, and watched in horror as my drink sloooooooooowlllllllllllly tipped over, all over the bench (nearly soaking the guy on the other end) and the floor! OH MAN! So I had about 5 people handing me napkins, and when I went over to tell the lady what I had done, she couldn't help but laugh. She also had issues with the mop bucket while she was mopping (the squeezy thing kept coming off the side of the bucket), so we both agreed we'd been hit by the Monday Fairy.

The "bluh balluh"

So we went to Ultimate Electronics last night, just to walk around and look at stuff, and Erin ended up with a blue balloon. She calls it a "bluh balluh." She loves it and gets so excited about playing with it.

I'm also including some of her playing on the floor. She's feeling a bunch better already. Yay for medicine!!

Erin's V'day adventure

Started at 2am, when she woke up positively screaming. After several minutes I realized it wasn't just a nightmare or something, it was serious. She was pulling at her ear and such, so I decided to give her some sudafed and ibuprofin to see if that would help. If not...we were heading to quick care.

An hour later, she was asleep. *sigh*


BUT this morning it's really hurting her again, so we're headed to quick care to get it checked. My poor baby girl. I'm pretty convinced she has an ear infection.

The best sound in the world

Playing in the "hnow"

So, Monday night it snowed, and yesterday I let Erin out to play in it. She LOVES snow, but she can't say "s" so it comes out "hnow."

And Erin is such a helper. She loves to do whatever I'm doing. I've gotten pretty good at finding ways to let her help with laundry and dishes, but today I discovered that there is no real way she can help when I'm mopping the floor. This made her very angry, and me very frustrated. Of course, I was already fairly frustrated by the discovery that there's a hole in my mop bucket. I bought it when we moved out of our other apartment to mop all the wood floors, so it must have gotten a hole in the move somehow. So now I have to buy another one. Argh.

Am I nesting? Does it count if you have just decided that you need to get your apartment cleaned before the baby arrives so you don't have to do it AFTER the baby arrives? (and you've been feeling crappy so you've been putting it off?)

Argument against a Valentine's birthday and a video

In a comment, Aubri tried to convince me to convince Patrick to wait until Valentine's to be born. But I don't want to. Why? I'm selfish. Valentine's day is one of the few excuses I have to go on a date with my husband WITHOUT kids. I don't want to lose that in favor of celebrating a birthday. Obviously, if he decided on V-day on his own, I'd deal with it, BUT I'm not going to try for it. Just like I wouldn't have wanted Erin to be born on my anniversary if I had been going to just wait for labor with her. Those are my guaranteed date nights, and they're important to me.



And for cuteness, a video of Matt trying to teach Erin to catch her ball. At one point she says "thank you" to me, but you can't hear her...

Friday the 13th sounds good to me

So, today's doctor's appointment didn't show much...Patrick's perfect. That's nice to know. I'm not any more dilated, but I am 70% effaced (thinned out) and very soft. She said that all that needs to happen is to have Patrick drop, and I'll be ready to go.

So, this Friday is the 13th. Sounds like a great day to have a baby. =Þ

Moments I want to keep forever

This morning, Erin pointed up at my shelf with the pictures of Cora on it, and said "BAY-bee!!!!" When I responded, "Is that Cora?" she nodded, and said "Woe-wa."

At Sam's Club today she spotted the ginormous box of goldfish crackers and started bouncing in her seat and pointing while exclaiming "Ishy!! Ishy!! Ishy!"

While we were standing in line at Sam's, someone nearby waved to her. Instead of waving back, she put her elbow on the back of the seat of the cart, and her fist under her chin in the perfect "portrait" pose, and just smiled. I couldn't help but just cracking up.

While driving home, she started singing about birdies. She just recently started singing, and I'm loving every second of it!

So grateful

I think that's the word that can best describe me today. Recently, on the stillbirth support forum I belong to, one of the ladies asked if any of the rest of us ever picture being reunited with our babies after we die. I have and do, and answered so. But there were a couple of ladies that mentioned that they don't believe in an afterlife, so they never have.

That just broke my heart. How can you get through the loss of anyone you love, let alone a baby, thinking that that is just the end? That there is no more?

I am [i]so[/i] grateful today for the knowledge I have of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the hope that I have in my temple covenants. I'm so grateful to [i]know[/i] that I will receive my Cora back into my arms, and not only her, but any of the rest of my family I say goodbye to along the way.

I am so grateful for His Sacrifice that He gave for me, so that I can be reunited with my family here, and my Heavenly Father as well, and to grow and progress in that love forever.

Naptime

Both Erin and Matt are asleep right now. I'd like to be, but I'm coming down with a cold (we all are) and I can't breathe while laying down.

She's so cute when she sleeps.


Anybody recognize this shot?

Must be doing something right.

So, today my mother sent me a link to a youtube video (they've disabled the embed codes, so I don't know how to post it here). It's a religious song, so along with the shots of life going on, it showed artwork of Jesus. Well, Erin was watching with me and every time Jesus came on she'd say "Deeduh!" and excitedly point to the screen. She's never said that before, so it surprised me, but it was amazing. My little girl knows who Jesus is! It was nice to know that, as much as I am self-conscious of my failings as a mother, I must be doing something right.


We also went to the ward playgroup this morning at the park. Erin had a blast running around for 2 hours. She has been missing playing with other kids, and I got to get to know the ladies in the ward a little bit, so it was good for both of us.

To the Angel Mothers who may be reading...

I know that some of you have links on your blogs to Angie's blog for her Audrey Caroline, so you may have heard this before. But for those of you who haven't I wanted to share this song. Angie's husband, Todd, is a member of the Christian music group Selah, and they wrote this song for Audrey shortly after she died. It describes it all perfectly.

BE PREPARED TO CRY! (lyrics first, and then a video made for Audrey after)

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

The world's longest doctor's appointment

So, I knew it was going to be a long appointment. I just didn't expect 3 hours. But it was good!

I'm healthy, baby's healthy. I'm dilated 1cm already. They decided that with my history, I should have a biophysical profile ultrasound and NST today, and every week until I deliver (on Tuesdays with my regular appointments) and then another NST on Fridays until I deliver.

And they gave me pictures!



In other news, my friend Aubrey posted some pictures on her blog of Erin, when she babysat Erin while we were packing up our apartment in Rexburg. I thought I'd share them with you too, because they're cute. It was a really stressful day for her, so she had her pacifier in pretty much all day.

Maybe it's the hormones...

I recently found a list of blogs of LDS "mothers of angels." Many of these women had stillborn babies. Many lost them shortly after birth or at a young age. I find myself dwelling on these blogs, reading these stories, and crying for my Cora. Why you ask? I'm sure Matt would be upset at me for upsetting myself like this. But I find myself needing too.

I read one blog today, and it was such a beautiful entry of how the Lord has helped her through the year since the unexpected death of her son, and just cried and cried. And I asked myself "why are you doing this?

Why do you need to cry right now?

What good is it doing you?"

I don't know the answer at the moment. Maybe I need to remind myself that I still love her as much as I did then, even though nearly three years had faded the memory of her. To remind myself that she was real and not just a good dream gone very bad. To remember that the Lord knows who I am, and remember how He helped me when the grief was still so fresh.

I'm also sort of a afraid that when I bring Patrick home, I'll go through all the grief again like I did when I brought Erin home. With Erin, it was the realization of everything I had missed out on. I didn't know what it was like to be a mother when I lost Cora. My life went from me & Matt to...me & Matt. But when Erin arrived, she showed me exactly everything I missed out on with Cora, and I grieved deeply. I wanted nothing more to just be overjoyed that Erin was here, and I was, but looking at her also hurt so deeply. I'm sort of afraid that will happen again. So maybe I'm just trying to get it "out of my system" so I can just be the deliriously happy new mom I should be.

And maybe it's just the hormones.

Realizations

Today at church, I had a dramatic realization that my worries as a mother for my son are going to be much different from my worries for my daughter. My worries for Erin include such things as teaching her to dress modestly, and dealing with body issues. I worry about her learning to recognize the difference between wanting a guy to like her for her and not for her body. I worry about pressure she might get to trade physical acts for "affection."

But today in Relief Society, they brought in a couple that runs the LDS Family Services addiction support group for pornography in our area. They were discussing how to deal with it in a marriage, and what we as mothers can do to keep it out of our homes and protect our sons. As I was thinking about things, I realized just how different it's going to be for me to raise a boy than a girl, and I have to admit it scared me a little.

I mean, I know what it's like to be a teenaged girl.

I guess that's part of the reason why the Lord expects His children to be raised in a home with a mother AND a father, and I'm so glad that I can provide that at this point. I'll try my best, but at least Matt truly understands what it's like to be a teenaged boy.



And, a change of topic, since I can't leave you without a picture. This is Erin, trying on my watch and bracelet, which she says are "boolee" (her word for pretty).
She also sings in Sacrament meeting now! It's SO cute! I would try to get a video, but...that's not exactly appropriate.