Faith begotten of trials

Was it just me, or was the theme of enduring faithfully through your trials, and having your faith strengthened by your trials in just about every talk this conference? I was touched over and over again. It made me reflect on my own faith and my own trials, and how losing Cora made my faith stronger than ever even though it felt so frail at the time.

I have to admit, when we were first told that she was gone, and shortly after her birth, I was very angry. I had a very hard time reconciling my image of a loving, just God with the experience. If He loved me, why did He take my baby from me? If He was perfectly just, then why was my baby taken from me, when other parents who didn't want or love their children, and didn't treat them right, get to keep theirs? Where was the justice in that?

And I told Him that. I got very angry with Him and said a lot of very angry prayers.

But over time, with a lot of whisperings of the spirit and priesthood blessings, I came to realize that just because I was a good church-going, temple worthy woman didn't mean that I would be exempt from trials. Just because I did my best to do everything the Lord has commanded, doesn't mean that I don't live in a fallen, unfair world.

Last September my wonderful bishop took me aside and asked how I was doing on a grief standpoint. He said that he could tell that I wasn't where I could be, and during our discussion I realized that part of me lacked a little faith in the fact that I would actually get my sweet baby back. Part of me believed that the pain I felt couldn't be healed by any power. So I embarked on a study to gain that faith. I said, like the father in the New Testament "help thou mine unbelief."

Honestly, I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know, except to realize that I already knew it. I am so grateful for a Savior who has taken me in His arms and carried me over the last 3 years as I have slowly but surely learned to stand on my own again. I'm so grateful for His strength, because without it I would not have been able to withstand the trials I have had.

Ode to my best friend

What can I say about Matt? I am so grateful to have him. I never would have expected to have gone through all the things we have in such a short time.

I am a better person now than I was before I married him. I am so grateful for everything he does for me. (Like finally hanging our pictures) He's so patient with me, when he comes home and the apartment is trashed and I'm exhausted and cranky. I'm so glad that he still thinks I'm beautiful after 3 babies.

He's at the Priesthood session of Conference as we speak, and I am so glad that he is a worthy priesthood holder. I'm so glad for the temple covenants we share. He is the love of my life and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much.

Ode to Patrick

I'm so grateful to have this little boy in my life. Especially the morning after I got a four-hour stretch of sleep! I don't know what it is about babies, but even though they keep you up all night they're such a joy to have around. Maybe it's because they're so fresh from heaven, and I KNOW the veil is so thin around them.

Patrick's now 5 weeks old and he's starting to smile and coo and I just love it. I love being able to interact more. He was awake yesterday, so I decided to do some tummy time and take some pictures.

Unfortunately, he hates tummy time!

A couple of songs for my babies.

"Never Alone" (Lady Antebellum w/Jim Brickman)
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone



"My Wish" (Rascal Flatts)
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this is my wish
i hope you know somebody loves you
may all your dreams stay big
(Repeat)
(Chorus)

Diets, swings, and dancing

So, a little while ago I realized that instead of buying M&Ms and stuff for snacks, I should buy fruits and vegetables, considering that the Farmer's Market is just down the street and produce is so cheap there. So I went today and bought some bananas, apples, and grapes. Erin loves eating bananas right out of the peel like grown up people. lol. After taking a bite of Erin's banana, I proved a theory.

I'm allergic to bananas.

It's connected to the latex sensitivity I have. When I took Patrick in for his blood draws for jaundice, they had a list of symptoms latex sensitivity (which I already knew I had). One of them was that your tongue would go numb/tingly after eating bananas. Part of the reason I don't really like bananas is because it left a "film" in my mouth. That "film" would actually be numbness.

ANYWAY, so I'm going on a fruit-instead-of-candy diet, and we'll see how it works.

Today I got Patrick a swing, which he loves. He's been a little fussy lately, but right now is FAST asleep as it's swinging away.

Erin loves being a mommy about it, too.

I think I might need to put duct tape over the controls so she won't keep turning it off and on. lol.


And Erin loves to dance. Just had to share. lol She was dancing with my baby giraffe to "Move it move it" on Madagascar.

An Ode to Erin

note: Please excuse the blurriness of some of the photos. It's hard to take good pics of a toddler on the move!

I love Erin, and she can be so much fun (as well as completely frustrating, but right now I'm focusing on the good stuff!)

Inspired by the day at the Children's museum, I bought some foam stickers and markers to have coloring time with Erin. She enjoys it so much.

She is such a little personality now. I love watching her emerge into the person she's going to be. I think I have finally accepted that she's a little girl now and not a baby. Is it normal to be sad when your baby grows up? I've tried to be excited about this next stage in her life instead of missing "baby Erin," and I think it's going well. Having a new baby helps of course...lol.

She's becoming so opinionated, and while sometimes it's quite aggrivating, most of the time I just enjoy seeing more of her personality.

For instance: she loves doing everything herself. Especially loves eating a whole apple. She doesn't like it as much if I cut it up first (which is my preferred way of eating it), especially not if it's a granny smith. Which is why we ended up with small bits of apple on our floor today.
Quite often I find myself laughing as she does something new or gets excited about something I would consider mundane. I'm so lucky to have her, and I thank the Lord for her every day.

Don't worry!

Recently there was concern expressed about the fact that Cora has come up so often lately, and whether or not I am suffering from depression. Along with a plea for you not to worry about me, I'd like to say a couple of things.

A) I am not ever going to be "over it." In coversations with my grandmothers, both of whom lost a child, I have learned that fact. I have also learned through personal experience it's possible to come to peace the fact that she's gone. I KNOW I'll get her back. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss her every day.

B) Start worrying when I don't talk about Cora. Talking about her is cathartic for me. It reminds me that she is real and she is part of my life. I no longer cry every day, but I DO talk about her. She's as real to me as both Erin and Patrick are.

C) Having a new baby around reminds me of what I missed out on. It's not as hard this time around as it was with Erin, but I am reminded that I didn't get to nurse her, or see her eyes, or watch her smile or hear her coo. And I'm dealing with that.


So I think I'm doing well. I'm getting out of bed every day (completely exhausted at times, but I DO get out of bed) and most days I get a shower. Most days I get out of the apartment and go somewhere, even if it's only down to the mailbox. I am enjoying my children, and laughing and rejoicing in them. So please don't worry about me.

Snow update, and one on Patrick too

So, this is our porch as of 5pm, compared to 10am in the last post.
And we had a checkup for Patrick today. Dr. McKitterick just wanted to check his growth and see how he is looking, to make sure we didn't want any more blood tests.

He weighs 10lbs even, and is nearly 23 inches long. That 2lbs6oz weight gain, and 2.5inches in length in a month. She said to him "Wow, how did you do that little boy?" lol

So he looks great. The jaundice isn't completely gone, but it has receded a lot. Enough that she was confident that we didn't need another blood test. YAY! She said the average length for jaundice to clear is 4-6 weeks, so we're completely within the timing for that.

I love hearing that my babies are doing well!

You've GOT to be kidding me!

This is what I woke up to this morning.
edited to add: the weather service has given us a blizzard warning. This is an honest-to-goodness blizzard, with little visibility. You can't even see as far now (at 1:30pm) as you could in that picture this morning.

One Month

Patrick is one month old today. I almost want to cry when I think about that. He's a month old already!

Grandma Linda sent us the outfit Matt's one month pictures were taken in, so I thought I'd catch a few shots.


Kim got this one the day before yesterday. Too cute!!


And just for comparison, here's a pic of Matt