Thursday, November 5, 2009

Pregnancy envy

Yeah, you read that right.  I'm starting to get pregnancy envy.  NO I am not going to be trying to conceive any time soon.  I'm still nursing, so my body still isn't mine yet.  I'd like to have my body to myself for a while.  Plus I'm REALLY not ready for the pukefest to start again.

But I do miss the attention and excitement.  It's totally a vain thing, I admit it.  I miss the smiles from the old ladies, and people telling me I'm so cute.  I love that my babies are adorable and get attention, but sometimes I feel invisible.  See?  Vanity.  Pure vanity.

And then there's the part of feeling like something is missing.  The unfortunate part of that feeling is that something IS missing, and getting pregnant again isn't going to fix it.  I look at my future, and I can't help but wonder if I will always have that longing for "one more."  Probably, since it's not really another one I want, it's the other one.

I was watching the video I made for Cora the other day.  I don't do it often, but it was November 2, which is Cora's half birthday.  I watch that video once every 6 months.  Erin came and climbed into my lap and said "Baby?"
"Yes, that's Cora," I answered.  "She's your sister."
"Cowwwa, sistoh."  Which of course made me tear up.  I really wish she could have known Cora.  I really wish I could have known Cora.  So then Erin looked at me and touched my cheek.  "Sad?" she said.  "No sad. Cowwwa.  Sistoh."
It was so sweet.  I was a reminder I needed.  Cora will always be Erin's sister, and wouldn't want me to be sad.  We will have the chance to get to know her some day, and I look forward to the day that my family will all be together, whole and complete.  I'm so glad to know, not just believe but truly KNOW that I'll get to hold my baby girl again.


Courtney said...

Nothing wrong with it at all.


Aubri said...

She's so sweet. She gets it. It's hard when we're all grown up and not as close to the veil... but she knows.

Not sad. Cora's her sister and your daughter. Always and forever.

I love you, and I cried too. I wish I got to know Cora. I wish I got to know my little sister too... It's hard.

sweetpea#1 said...

Oh Brittany, hang in there. I can tell your heart is aching and I am so sorry. Your children very likely knew one another before joining you on earth and love each other very much. I believe that there is an incredible bond between siblings and when one has to leave, the others are there to love you all the more. I send you all my love.